This year is off to a totally tubular start. And I mean that with all the sarcasm in my black, black soul.
I'd like to present some alternate slogans for 2008:
"2008, still full of hate."
"Too much on my plate in 2008."
"Can't get a date in 2008."
"Feeling great perhaps late 2008?"
"Who needs a date when I can just masturbate in 2008."
"Wait... it's 2008?"
Initially, I was going to write a long, witty retrospective of 2007, but then I realized that nothing truly spectacular happened and it would be a big, waste of time. I mean, apart from the fact that Everett nearly exploded in a big fiery cataclysm of destruction. That was pretty Schwarzenneger. Other than that, 2007 can suck it.
So without any further ado, here are my obligatory New Year's resolutions:
This year, I will find more opportunities to slow clap/sarcastic clap.
I will have more inappropriate musical interludes.
I will indulge my inner Remington Steele, Jessica Fletcher, and Blanche Devereaux.
I will turn more proper nouns into adjectives and verbs.
I will focus more of my energy on helping others.
I will get one of my novels published.
I will keep my closet organized with the help of IKEA.
I will learn Spanish so I can finally communicate with my extended family.
I will PWN Rock Band, with my group Tenderoni the YoYoYos.
I will WIN at IRONY. Top score.
I will have more spontaneous dance parties with the Brazilians next door.
I will stop blogging when I should be writing.
I will use the word "procrastinatory" until it becomes legit.
I will learn when to stop.
And... Stop.
