Seven Important Lessons I Have Learned from Lifetime Movies

Since I have contracted this awesome, slimming norovirus, I have had plenty of time to sit around on the couch and watch horrible, soul-shredding television. Lifetime. Television for victims. Now, I’m not going to embark on a discussion of how insulting I find this to be as a strong, independent female, and how unfair it is that Spike TV (TV for men) has things like UFC and James Bond marathons, while Lifetime has Army Wives and shows about chubby friends making sister-pacts to lose weight. No, I won’t go there. This time, I choose to only focus on the positive things I have learned from watching hours of Lifetime television. Pay close attention, because these are very important lessons that could save you from hefty legal fees in the future.

1. First husbands are always nuts, but second husbands are great. And while they are decidedly less attractive than first husbands, they make up for that in kindness and usefulness, and will support you as you deal with the threatening midnight phone calls from husband #1. Skip right to the second husbands, ladies.
2. Restraining orders are obtained strictly for dramatic effect. First husband is still going to try to rape you, kill you, and steal your babies. Don't bother with restraining orders. Take karate and get a license to carry, because first husband is going to drunkenly break into your house at 4am regardless. Restraining orders may fail you, but a good old fashioned ass-whooping never let anyone down. Just ask J-Lo.
3. Hot steamy shower sex invariably leads to domestic abuse. It’s very, very sad, but true. Isn't that right, Tiffany Amber Thiessen?
4. Never leave your children alone with Delta Burke. She’s so much crazier than your first husband.

Delta Burke, put the kid down.

 5. If your child should need a bone marrow transplant, a donor match will always be found in the last place you look, namely, your crazy first husband. Or Delta Burke.
6. If number 5, then your best bet is to have Delta Burke kill your first husband. Then kill Delta Burke and make it look like an accident. Trust me. Otherwise, he (or Delta Burke) will try to rape you, kill you, and steal your babies. Just make sure he (or Delta Burke) is an organ donor first.
7. The hotter the sex, the crazier the dude. Hardly seems fair, but those are the breaks on Lifetime, television for women. 'Tis better to love someone mediocre in the sack, than to end up hog-tied in an underground bunker drinking your own pee to stay alive.

Ladies, am I right?