Mr. Of Nazareth, you have a nasty habit of surviving.

Jesus died today, and that is so very, very sad. But, fear not. He will be back on Sunday—and he’s bringing chocolate for everyone—because he’s Jesus, bitch, and that is how he rolls.

Now, I don’t consider myself a Christian by any stretch of the imagination. However, I did spend the better portion of my life wearing a plaid uniform and going to First Friday mass. In short, I know a thing or two about J-dizzle, and he has taught me many things. Here are a few of those important life lessons:

Never trust a dude coming in for an unwarranted smooch.
Never let the party run out of booze.
Hope is a fine motivator, but give people free food and they will follow you anywhere.
Nothing pisses people off like being completely unable to get a rise out of you.
Here's one for the menfolk: Easiest way to charm the ladies--magic tricks.

But most importantly, Jesus taught me how to always have the last laugh.
Ha, jerks. Next time you’ll cremate!

You, Jesus, are the fucking man. And, might I just add, you are magnificently toned for a dead guy.

Rock on, Lamb of God, Son of Man. Rock on with your dead self.