Summertime Meditations.

Nothing pushes my pugnacious button like jungle weather outside of the jungle. In addition to the sudden and irrational desire for blood and strife I'm feeling as a result of the rainforest climate outside, I find that I am also equally as full of irrational desires for sex and ice cream. Not necessarily in that order. It's as if the sweltering heat causes anomalous fluctuations in my brain chemicals urging me to fight and fuck by turns. Hamstrung by etiquette, convention, and the laws that govern civilized society, my only recourse is to consume copious amounts of cold creamy treats.
Why? Why?
Why do heat and sunlight spur the general populous to commit at least four out of seven deadly sins? Could it be that the steamy atmosphere's striking resemblance to Hell breeds iniquity? Inquiring minds want to know.

I also marvel that there are people that actually claim to enjoy this weather. Clearly there is something wrong with them. I just don't understand what the appeal is. Allow me to provide ample reasons as to why summertime sucks ass and balls, aside from my reasons listed above.

Reason #1: Summertime makes the world smell like B.O. and poopy diapers.
Reasons #2: Additionally, it has a negative effect on people's driving abilities.
Reason #3: Very very large ladies walk around in very very tiny outfits.
Reason #4: Similarly, my pasty, lanky, toothless crackhead tenant sunbathes in my driveway in the world's tiniest Speedo (believe it or not, Ripley--get out your microscope). Oh, the horrors these eyes have seen.
Reason #5: Neighborhoods are suddenly full of grubby, snot-nosed children who yell and scream and fling poo at each other.
Reason #6: Clothing being "dried in the sunshine" is not as pleasant or as fresh smelling as those commercials would have you believe. That is, if your clothing manages to dry at all.
Reason #7: In order to maintain any sort of freshness or personal hygiene, it becomes necessary to take 70 showers a day.
Reason #8: You might ask yourself: How did I get this afro? And when will it go away? Answer: Late September.
Reason #9: Pathetic losers of the world blast AC/DC as loud as they can out the windows of their vehicles in a sad attempt to establish their dominance and reaffirm their masculinity in a harsh, unforgiving social environment, much like the mating behaviors of the red-assed baboon, except without the AC/DC.
Reason #10: Three words: regular hair removal. What a pain in the ass.